Greed Is Better
by PwnedByPineapple
Summary: Greed comes up with an awesome way to win his Father's favor. It totally backfires. Also known as, the real reason why Greed ditches his family. Complete crack.


Greed had come up with a totally awesome way to prove he was the best, and he was making his whole family watch it.

The seven of them - Father, Pride, Wrath, Sloth, Gluttony, Lust, and Envy - were seated together in Father's lair, waiting impatiently and bickering amongst themselves while Greed set things up for his 'special presentation'. He had brought in one of those weird 'television sets' that humanity had recently invented and was currently scratching his head over how to power it.

"There aren't any outlets," he muttered and then had a brilliant idea... a veritable light bulb, he thought with a chuckle. Ah, humor.

"Hey, Pops!" he said, jogging over to his father. "Can I use you for power?"

Father frowned at him. "I don't see how that would work..."

"Awesome, thanks." Greed took the plug on the end of the wire and shoved it into Father's arm. Father being Father, it didn't cause him any pain, although he looked a tad confused.

"Hey, it works!" Greed said happily, as the television turned on. "It even gets color! And HD! Sweet!" He was totally oblivious to the teeny tiny screams of the souls that went into powering the set; they were horrified that they'd given life to the very first soap opera, which was currently being broadcasted on the channel the television was set on - all in eye-scarring, mind-numbing, color HD, which shouldn't have even existed at that point but hey, it was Father.

"_This _is what you wanted to show us?" Pride asked, sounding revolted. On screen, a couple was making out passionately as sappy music swelled in the background.

"Selim, don't watch that," Wrath said, concerned.

"Dammit, Wrath, I'm not really your son!"

"Oh. Yes. Hmm. I always forget that. Sorry."

Pride sighed, then uttered an undignified squeak as Lust suddenly shoved him out of the way. "Hey, short stuff," she said coldly. "If you don't like it, then don't watch."

She turned her attention to the TV, riveted, as Pride went to nurse his injured dignity in a corner. Wrath went to comfort him, adopting a fatherly tone once more. Pride yelled again, so did Wrath, and suddenly a shouting match was taking place, threatening to turn into a full-on battle. Gluttony kept asking if he could eat the loser, while Envy screeched for Pride to beat the shit out of Wrath.

Greed sighed. It was a daily occurrence. Stupid dysfunctional family. "Da~ad," he whined. "Make them stop!"

Father coughed once, and everything quieted.

"Thank you," Greed said pointedly, "for that spectacular display of immaturity. Now shut up and watch the TV, 'cause I'm about to come on!"

This was easier said than done.

It was a very small television set, as such things were only a recent invention. Seven homunculi and their creator could not fit easily in front of the screen, and things almost broke out into chaos again before they all got settled. Their battle for positions eventually ended with Sloth and Father side-by-side, with five of the homunculi finding various positions sitting on top of Sloth, who was sprawled on his stomach, and Pride on Father's lap. (He'd insisted that he wasn't a child, he was the oldest and should therefore be treated with respect, but he was the only one who could fit on Father's lap, and he'd lost that battle seven-to-one.)

Greed sat on the other side of Sloth, tapping his foot impatiently as the soap opera dragged on and on, and the scene between the two lovers started to turn sexual.

"Ugh, why won't this crap _end_?" Envy demanded, amid similar groans from the others.

Lust yelled for them all to be quiet, and Gluttony, staring in fascination at the TV, asked, "Lust, what are they doing?"

"Well, you see, Gluttony, when a man and a woman love each other very much, they get these _urges_-"

"SHUT _UP_, LUST!"

It was a major relief when the scene finally faded, and Greed whacked Sloth on the nose several times to wake him up.

"Hu~urts," Sloth moaned, cracking an eye open. "Ouchie."

"Shut up, my commercial's starting!"

It faded in with very faint romantic music playing in the background. The Greed on the TV was standing in a white room, wearing a dark suit and smiling a suggestive smile.

"Hello, humans," he said seductively, raising an eyebrow several times. "Look at your sin, now back to me, now back at your sin, now back to me. Sadly, your sin isn't me, but if you stopped being only moderately bad and started indulging in the sin of Greed, you could have everything like me."

The scenery changed abruptly, became a winding tunnel illuminated by deep red light. "Look down, back up, where are you? You're on the road to hell, with the sin your sin could be like. What's in your hand? Now back to me. I have it. It's an oyster with a one-way ticket down under." Sure enough, the oyster that had appeared in his hands opened to an actual ticket. "Look again. The ticket is now a pitchfork!" And... cue pitchfork. "Anything is possible when your sin is Greed and not totally lame. Like Envy. I'm in a car."

This garnered several reactions, the two most noteworthy being:

"What the hell? Who are you calling lame, you bastard?" Envy tried to strangle Greed but was rather hampered by his precarious seat on Sloth's shoulder, a seat he'd fought hard for and was loath to leave.

And then Lust: "_Why_ are you in a car, imbecile?"

"SHHHH!" Greed almost exploded. "You'll find out, just keep watching!"

The Greed on TV was indeed in a car, traveling down the red tunnel, which suddenly morphed into a forest road. The scene switched to a strange group of people standing in an open field, and it took the other homunculi a moment to realize that the group was supposed to be _them_.

"Are those actors playing us?" Wrath asked, scowling ferociously.

"Yep!" Greed said.

"More like bad cosplay," Pride snorted.

The fake homunculi seemed to be preparing for battle, which involved lazing around and pretending to be busy. However, a tremendous roar shook them from whatever they were doing, and the camera panned to Greed in his car, speeding towards them with a huge grin on his face. The fake homunculi had looks of terror on their faces, ones that would _never _have appeared on a real homunculus, as Wrath was quick to point out.

The fake homunculi were running away, tripping over themselves and looking like fools as Greed sped through them.

"I wanted to run some of you over," Greed said sadly. "But they wouldn't let me. Said something about kids watching. As if kids are innocent. Pssh."

His voice next issued from the TV itself, in a terribly cheesy voiceover: "Father got two things right: cars... and Greed."

"Father didn't invent cars, you dumbass."

"You really think we would run away? I'd take you down, sucker!"

Most of the actual homunculi were ready to strangle Greed by now, but they were too distracted by the next scene change. Greed was pulling up next to a big, fancy mansion. Admittedly catchy music started to play, but that was promptly ruined when they realized it was Greed who was singing.

_You wish you could be like me today.  
>Rocking it out on the big world stage.<br>I hang with the ladies, smoke cigars.  
>Have a date with fame and count the stars.<em>

He entered the mansion and encountered a crazy group of people that homunculi would have felt right at home with. He was strutting about, greeting, flirting, performing tricks that no normal human could perform but were actually quite easy for homunculi.

"You think you're _so_ cool, don't you, Greed?"

"Shut up, Envy!"

_Dressed to impress with hair to match.  
>Expensive jewels and lots of cash.<br>At the head of the crowd, I take the lead.  
>To be like Greed is all you need.<em>

He was practically dancing through the mansion now and entered the main ballroom, where everyone was dancing and partying and having the time of their lives. Greed waltzed into their center, grinning at the camera.

_Oh!  
>Greed is the man, he's got all the money.<br>Greed is the man, he's better than you.  
>Greed is the man, he's gets all the honeys.<br>Greed is better than his siblings too._

The commercial faded with a zoom in on Greed's face and his perfectly white teeth, bared in a challenging grin.

There was absolute silence as the next commercial started.

"Haha!" Greed said, immensely pleased with himself. "Wasn't that awesome?"

"No," said Envy. "It sucked."

"You're so stupid, Greed," Pride sighed.

Now that the glow of seeing himself on TV was fading and Greed was actually paying attention to what his siblings were saying, he grew angry. "As if I care what you think!" he said. "All that matter is Dad's opinion. This proves I'm the best. Right, Dad?"

Now, ever since he had created them, Father had been completely unable to understand his children. They were... well, themselves. So, when confronted with his most rebellious and difficult son, there was only one thing he could do, the universal sign of 'I give up, I don't even understand anymore'... the facepalm.

The other homunculi laughed and voiced their agreement, then immediately entered another bout of argument as Sloth stirred, rolled over, and displaced all of them.

Greed was pissed off. Ugh. They could never understand true greatness. They were all just jealous of him and his good looks, and Father had never been able to appreciate his best son. Ugh.

Whatever. He didn't need these losers, and they didn't deserve him anyway. He was totally going to ditch them. Maybe he could start a commercial business or something. Yeah. That would be cool.

Satisfied with this, already forgetting about his siblings and stupid father, Greed collected the TV and left with a cheerful whistle. No one noticed him leave, mostly because they were all involved in fighting - or, in Pride's case, making bets with a Father who was trying his best to understand his insane children.

* * *

><p><strong>For a contest. Challenge was to make an epic advertisement for your favorite homunculus. The ads I used as basis are Old Spice "Hello Ladies", Dodge Challenger Freedom, and Heineken Asteroids Galaxy Tour. With an added dose of crack.<strong>


End file.
